Detached
by vashmil
Summary: Letting go of the past is the only way Hermione can break out of the darkness. Rated for suggestive themes. Canon compliant except Snape lives, obviously ;-
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing.**

**This popped into my head. Had to get it down. It's sad, sorta. =)**

I considered the man sitting across from me at the table. He was smiling and laughing with Harry, oblivious to my scrutiny. It had been ten years since the war ended, nine since we'd married. I had loved him so much back then; the delicious taste of freedom and dreams spurring us on.

His blue eyes locked with mine and he smiled warmly. Almost automatically, I felt my lips turn up and smile back. How many times had I done that? Hundreds? Thousands? It didn't matter, really. I did my duty as his wife and he seemed happy.

I glanced around the table at the numerous guests at this year's Christmas party. Ginny and Harry always invited more people than the house could accommodate and with the post-war baby boom, the party got bigger every year.

Little James and Albus were fighting in the corner of the room over a small, bewitched broom that Harry had gotten for James this year. Ginny bustled around the room, her large belly somehow not impeding her as she played the gracious hostess. She was so reminiscent of her mother that it was almost scary. Mr. Weasley was quietly discussing something or another with Fleur and Bill. Luna and Neville's brood were playing Exploding Snap at the end of the table, their adoring parents watching their every move. I met George's eyes and saw my own pain mirrored there. He hadn't been the same since Fred's death. But we all had scars, some were just more visible than others. Smiling sadly at him, I stood and left the room.

I sat on the back steps of Grimmauld Place and pulled my coat tighter. As I'd done so many times before, I pulled a bundle of paper out of the cold air. I'd acquired the forms three summers ago, when the mediwizard had told me I would never have children. I hadn't been surprised; it had taken my own parents nearly a decade and four miscarriages to get me. The news had devastated Ron, though. Frowning at the memory, I flipped to the back page and ran my icy fingertips across the signature at the bottom. "Hermione Weasley," it read clearly, as though I'd written it yesterday. This would be my gift to him this year. I'd return to him the very things that had brought us together all those years ago, his freedom and his dreams. I brushed away the tear that threatened to join dozens of its dried brethren on that last page.

"Mione, what are you doing out here in the cold?" Ron's voice spoke from the doorway. When I didn't answer, he came to stand beside me. "What's that, love?"

"Your Christmas present," I whispered as I handed the papers to him.

It was several minutes before he spoke again. "Why?"

"You know why, Ron."

He stared past me, his brows furrowed in thought. "I love you, Hermione," he whispered.

I smiled at him, perhaps the first genuine smile he'd seen on my face in years. "I know. But you deserve more than I can give you." I felt the tears welling in my eyes, so I went back in the house before my calm façade shattered.

I quickly gathered my things and slipped out of the house. Taking a deep breath, I apparated to the one steady place in my life. The one place I didn't feel like a burden, like a woman with no purpose.

He opened the door before my hand reached the knocker. That silky voice that had calmed me hundreds of times over the years was unsteady and I could tell he'd been drinking. "Shouldn't you be at the _Potter's_?" he sneered.

When I didn't give him the usual sarcastic retort, his face softened and he moved to let me inside.

Twenty minutes later, I found myself seated in a familiar, worn love seat, staring at a glass of red wine.

"Hermione, what happened?" I barely registered the question, but my eyes lifted and I stared blankly at him.

"You left him." It wasn't a question.

I looked back at the wine in my hands and nodded slowly.

The glass was pried from my hands and I was pulled into a warm embrace. The numbness faded and I melted into him, tears flowing freely and moistening his shirt. "I didn't think it would hurt this much." I whimpered into his chest.

"Letting go always hurts, no matter how long we've been doing it."

"Can I stay with you tonight?" I whispered. I had asked him that question many times over the last few years, my pain and disappointment pushing me to stray. He'd always refused.

His hand stopped moving in my hair and I pulled away from him, knowing the answer.

"Under one condition." Black eyes found mine and he spoke softly, "Never leave."


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing.  
>Fair warning, this is uber-angsty.<strong>

I felt the familiar warmth pulsing through my body. Reaching down, I gripped his black hair, holding him tightly against me. I closed my eyes to the world and lifted my hips from the bed, pushing myself against his mouth. A soft cry slipped from my lips as I shuddered my release.

"_Laissez-moi_," I said in stilted French, slipping out of the bed and cleansing myself with a silent _Evanesco_. Pulling on a silk robe, I stepped to the window and waited for the sound of the door.

It was Christmas again.

I hadn't been back to England since the divorce. It had been nearly two years now.

It had been my own self-indulgence that kept me away at first. I'd deserted the man who had stood by my side for so long, the man who had pledged his life and love to me. Ron had known we were broken, but I had been ashamed.

So I ran.

I'd gone to Severus that night. I cried and shattered into a million pieces. He didn't say a word; he let me break and then he put me back together. One kiss, one touch, one piece at a time, he rebuilt me. We'd been friends for so many years and I never knew his depth. Not until that night. He had shown me more passion than I'd thought him, or any man, capable of.

And I used him. He made me burn for the first time in years and I scorched him with his own flames. I broke yet another promise.

I left.

What had it gotten me? A tiny flat in Paris, a crappy job and a poor substitute for the man that I couldn't forget.

Wiping the tears from my cheek, I turned around, grateful that David was gone. I threw some robes on and quickly packed my overnight bag.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

A fierce torment washed through me as I stood in front of his house in Spinners End, the memories as fresh as the day I'd gone. The rain was seeping through my clothes, but I couldn't feel it. I watched his door and felt the tears threatening to spill yet again.

He always knew when I was here. So I wasn't surprised when the door opened and he glared at my dripping form on the street.

I don't know how long we stood there. The cold mask of indifference he wore was not unfamiliar to me. The fury and pain so obvious in his voice when he finally spoke, however, was unexpected. It was a testament to the damage I had inflicted.

"Why are you here?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

Because I'm weak. Wasn't that always the answer? I was so god damned weak. I loved him. I needed him. I was nothing without him. "I don't know," I choked out.

His face tightened and he moved to close the door.

"Forgive me, Severus." I knew how pathetic it sounded.

I saw the flash of anger in his eyes as he paused and turned to face me. "You left," he snapped.

I wrapped my arms around myself, shaking from the cold rain that had long since saturated my robes. I must have been a pitiful sight. "I know…I just, I needed time," I whimpered, unable to meet his eyes.

"I needed _you_, Hermione." His voice was hard.

A flood of desperation ripped through me at his admission and I fell to my knees on the cobblestone sidewalk, my tears mixing with the rain on my cheeks. It felt like hours before I saw his dragon hide boots move into view. He squatted in front of me, gently hooking his finger under my chin and lifting my head to face him.

The rain was soaking him, but he didn't seem to notice as he scrutinized my face. I was thin and I knew the dark circles under my eyes spoke of frequent sleepless nights. "I used to make you smile," he said sadly, seemingly to himself.

I couldn't do this. Standing quickly, I turned and faced away from him. "I'm sorry, Severus. I shouldn't have come," I said shakily before starting down the street.

I had barely made it five steps before I was grabbed from behind and shoved roughly against the brick front of his neighbor's house. Fear wracked my body as he held me against the wall, rage contorting his features. "First you ask my forgiveness and then you think you can just leave! You are unbelievably selfish, witch," he sneered.

My head fell forward as the fear melted away into humiliation. I knew he was right.

Severus released my shoulders and gripped my face instead, forcing me to look at him. "I loved you, Hermione. I loved you before you ever married that redheaded halfwit. I loved you when you found out you'd never have children. I loved you when you didn't love him anymore. I loved you when you left him." He paused and pressed his forehead to mine, tears shining in his eyes. "I loved you when you left me. Don't do this again, Hermione, I can't take it," he finished, his voice practically a whimper as he dropped his hands.

The shock of his declaration left me wide-eyed and gaping at him. I couldn't assimilate the broken man in front of me with the harsh, calculating man I thought I knew. What had I done to him? "Severus," I breathed, meeting his eyes with more strength in my soul than I had felt in twelve years. "I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry." I slid my hands around his neck and kissed him chastely on the lips. "I am so sorry," I whispered against his mouth, "I will spend the rest of my life proving it if that's what it takes." Slowly, I pulled away and met his black gaze. "If you'll let me," I finished, my uncertainty obvious.

I watched him watch me for an endless age before I finally dropped my eyes, sure that my piteous offering was just that.

"You are fascinating, Hermione Granger." My eyes shot up at his bizarre statement. "So strong and yet so fragile." Furrowing his brow, he looked past me. "I should never have let you stay that night… Of all people, I should have known what you were going through." He paused, seeming to consider his next words carefully, "I hope you found your peace of mind, because I meant what I said," his voice dropped as he met my gaze. "I can't lose you again."

A sad smile found its way to my mouth. "I've missed you, Severus," I whispered.

He pulled me close and I felt the dizzying sensation of apparition.

Twenty minutes later I found myself seated in a familiar, worn love seat, staring at a glass of red wine.

Looking at the man next to me, I smiled. We were a far cry from perfect.

But I would never leave.

**I hope that wasn't too mushy!  
>-Vashtanerada<strong>


End file.
